Every time I go to a children’s ministry conference, there are always people who want to tell about the new family ministry at their church. Because I’m supportive and I genuinely want to learn, I always listen.

Here is a list of stuff I hear:

We dropped VBS.

We quit Awana.

We aren’t doing Sunday School anymore.

We started a family service.

I’m not the children’s pastor anymore. I am the family pastor.

We’re using a new curriculum.

This has been on my heart for years. I am so glad that finally someone is talking about family ministry.

Is there anything wrong with rethinking the way the church ministers to the family? Not at all. Since mom and dad are the primary spiritual influencers in the lives of their kids, we better take a good hard look at how we do what we do as a church. But here is my question: Why do we have to drop everything and start from scratch? Instead of reinventing every ministry in the church, can’t we look at existing ministries and leverage them to help mom and dad be the spiritual leaders they need to be?

What do you think?

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Philosophy:
1. The emphasis is on learning and growing together.
2. It is characterized by family fun nights, movie nights, family camps, family services, etc.

Pros:
1. If use properly, these can really help families connect.
2. Works best with parents of children, not teens.

Cons:
1. Taken to an extreme, there would be no age-level programming.
2. Kids are establishing independence and don’t always want mom and dad around.
3. It often requires extra time outside of the regular service times.

Philosophy:
1. Each department adds family ministry components into already-planned programming.
2. Each ministry determines how to approach outreach and training for families, as long as a basic goal of family ministry is acknowledged.
3. Each age-group department, and possibly other departments as well, plans activities and programs for families independent of each other.
4. You just challenge departments to think family and everyone gets in their corner and starts offering programming for parents and families.

Pros:
1. The departmental approach is where most churches land.
2. It is usually the cheapest.
3. Because so many people are involved, it breed creativity.

Cons:
1. Creates silos – where each ministry does what it does without regard to a step-by-step process toward an end objective.
2. Calendars quickly get clogged with multiple programs for the family and members of the family will be pulled in numerous directions by different departments.
3. Dollars disappear into divergent programs that divide the family instead of bringing it together.
4. Programming is usually characterized as being random and haphazard instead of strategic and intentional.

Philosophy:
1. A new staff position (usually called a “family minister”) is added.
2. This family minister works independently of other ministries.
3. The family minister does programming for families and parents, while the student ministry focuses on students and the children’s ministry focuses on children.

Pros:
1. It is the easiest if you have margin to plan programs for the family or if the church has money to throw into a staff position.
2. It’s what most churches are doing in an attempt to start doing family ministry.

Cons:
1. The overriding disadvantage is that these programs can create competing systems and your children and student staff will continue to function independently.
2. Those who have the direct connection with children never really take ownership of a strategy for their parents.
3. Kind of connected but not integral to planning and strategy.

Philosophy:
1. Parents hold the church responsible for discipling their children.
2. The church is accountable for the results.
3. The church is gifted with pastors and leaders to help parents raise good kids.

Pros:
1. Very traditional and accepted in the church.
2. A children’s pastor and youth pastor view the kids as their sheep.
3. Age-level needs are met through Sunday School, children’s church, midweek programs, etc.

Cons:
1. Families are at church together but are always in different rooms.
2. Parents feel off the hook.
3. When parenting gets though, mom and dad often direct their worries at the church.

Philosophy:
1. Parents need to be educated on raising their children. They want to be taught and helped.
2. Since the task is so big, parents need support and encouragement.
3. Mentors who have “been there and done that” play an important role.

Pros:
1. Parents get the answers they are looking for.
2. Parents see the need to be proactive in their parenting.
3. Parents get the support they need.

Cons:
1. It’s easy to get “educated beyond our obedience” (James 1:22)
2. This can minister to the head but not the heart.
3. You lose many parents in the process.

What do you think about this model?

Model 1: “We Can Do It” Model

The philosophy:
1. Parents are the called to educate their children (Deuteronomy 6). In this model, parents own it,  take the lead, and say “we can do it.”
2. Most activities center around the home.
3. The emphasis of the church is on building strong families rather than building a large church with lots of programs.

Pros:
1. This model is based on the needs of the children, not the desires of the church.
2. Parents take the lead in pastoring their own children.
3. This is very age-specific and inter-generational.

Cons:
1. This doesn’t interest every parent.
2. The family can be over-emphasized and the church becomes unimportant.
3. How are kids from un-Christian homes reached?

What do you think about this model?

More and more kids of divorce are saying good-bye and transitioning between parents. As much as we don’t like this, kids are living divided lives between two homes. In The Switching Hour (Cokesbury Press), I read that 18 to 20 million children live with one parent, with 1 million children each year affected by divorce. Those are staggering numbers.

This has a huge impact on the way the church ministers to kids. In January 2009, I was team-teaching a seminar with children’s ministry champion Jim Wideman. He was talking about every-other week being the new every week in children’s ministry. He said, “If you have something that’s going to take four weeks to teach, you had better plan on eight weeks.”

On a side note, children’s ministry leaders must also ask if they are ministering to the needs of kids of divorce. Church-based programs for divorced adults seem to be flourishing, but churches with programs focusing on the needs of children of divorce are rare. It’s easy to give adults the attention they need, because they are bigger, louder, and speak in a language that other adults understand. Ministries like DivorceCare for Kids (www.dc4k.org) will help your church minister to kids who are transitioning between parents week after week.

Eleven years ago when I was hired to be the children’s pastor at my church, I was expected to oversee the ministries of the church for birth through sixth grade. A big part of my job was recruiting and training volunteers, teaching children’s church, and overseeing programs like Sunday School and Awana. Today, that job description has changed, and not just for me but thousands of others. It’s changing because the traditional model of children’s ministry is changing.

Children’s pastors are now expected to formulate a plan for helping parents. In the hiring process, children’s pastors had better be prepared to answer the question, “What are you going to do to help the parents of our church grow great kids?”

This change is for the good. We are waking up to the fact that the children’s/youth pastor is not the main spiritual influencer of a child—it’s mom and dad. This means that the children’s pastor must put tools in the hands of parents and help them take the lead. The model of ministry is changing from doing ministry for parents to doing ministry with parents.

I recommend that you read Larry Fowler’s book, Raising a Modern-Day Joseph (David C. Cook). Larry is the executive director of global training for Awana. In this book, he compels the church to rethink the way it does children’s ministry. Larry recognizes this change in what ministry to kids looks like and encourages the church to formulate a plan that includes the senior pastor, the youth pastor, the children’s pastor, and parents.

As a result of this model change, we are seeing more and more experiential ministry events. The idea is that the family should learn and grow together, which is often characterized by family fun nights, movie nights, family camps, and family services. If used properly, these can really help families connect and grow closer together. However, taken to an extreme, there would be no age-level programming. It is also difficult to find extra time outside of the regular service times for these venues.